Challenge completed, mission accomplished. Oh, and it felt glorious. Yet, I find myself wanting more, which in this case is a beautiful thing.
Back in the spring, I wrote about accepting the challenge of listing 1,000 things I am thankful for, from the book “One Thousand Gifts,” written by Ann Voskamp. (See my older post, “Inspiration”). I told of the transformation that was taking place in my heart as I allowed my days to be penetrated by God’s incredible, ever-present grace, joy and peace that comes through persistent thanksgiving. Eucharisteo.
I reached number 1,000. My entry was “I’m His. Holy, beautiful, and loved.” I am beyond ecstatic to be able to write those words. Not long ago, I could not have written them, let alone believed them. What I believed in my heart about myself would rip it out if I heard my precious daughter saying about herself: “UGLY, UNWORTHY, FAT, INADEQUATE, NEVER ENOUGH, TOO MUCH.” It played over and over in my mind. On page 205 in Voskamp’s book, she says “The only thing to rip out the tape echoing of self-rejection is the song of his serenade.”
What joy fills my heart, when I stop to listen to God’s constant love song to my heart. When I stop and let him serenade me. And now I long for more. MORE! I want to remain in this dance hall of life, with my Father holding me in His arms, singing love melodies that fill me up to overflowing.
1001. I am alive. The kids are alive. The car is dead.
1005. Goose down snowflakes falling in early October.
1006. The finally feeling that God is all I need.
1007. Crunching leaves and trees that seem to glow.
It becomes my choice to remain in the dance, keeping my eyes and ears open to receive his offering to me. His music plays for me constantly, and only when I choose to tune my life to it will I stay in the state of eucharisteo. That blessed, thankful state.
My heart is so full right now. I am learning to see myself only through God’s eyes. The tape of self-rejection that played; it really was what I believed. But deep down, I know it was what I thought others must think of me. I am learning; allowing God to penetrate my heart with his song. It has been a slow, gentle, sometimes gut-wrenching process. I wouldn’t choose to believe.
But in the crash of 3 cars, my heart split open wide. Not breaking, but opening to receive his message. That he loves me, just as I am today. He takes care of me; the kids and I were safe and unharmed, and I had word less than 24 hours after totaling my car that I would be getting another. I am beautiful, holy and loved. HIS.
So my journey, my dance continues. I don’t want to ever stop. Maybe someday I can hit a million things listed on paper; that would mean I would be aware of millions more things I am thankful for. I am wearing a God-made iPod that plays his constant music, and he taught me to dance. Psalm 108:1 says “My heart is steadfast, O God; I will sing and make music with all my soul.”
1008. Barrett and Brody raising their hands to worship the Lord.
1009. Gantry dancing to worship music.
1012. For this very day.
Thousands of blessings,