I just finished texting a most beloved, beautiful friend. I messaged Teri from the spot we sat during a night hike several years ago. Where we rested and soaked in the glory of a summer night, checking out her new Star Chart app on her phone, talked and talked, and mostly just delighting in the freedom of the night. The joy of that evening in the Garden of the Gods is etched deeply into our souls. Her words were “I was thinking of that spot just the other day–the magic of panoply (she uses much smarter words than I do…) of stars, the feeling safe because I was with a woman who wasn’t afraid of the dark, the beauty of being with a kindred spirit. That was a good, good night. I want more of them!!”
My response was that I did too. That in fact, I was just sitting down writing about the longings of my heart; why I want certain things in my life. I shared with her that I felt my longings, perhaps all of ours, boil down somehow to what she described. Deep connection. Rest. Awe and wonder at creation. Peace. Feeling small and safe, insignificant yet deeply significant all at the same time. In pondering it more, I would say what was lacking that night was any sense of striving for worthiness or acceptance. We just were.
I hit a massive wall about 6 weeks ago. Started a downhill skid and found myself in the rubble of a very messy crash a couple of weeks later. I was a walking mess, but fairly quickly realized that my weary circus act of jumping through performance hoops of what i should or should not be doing for work, and feeling like a performing monkey, striving to fit in and find acceptance had somehow been jolted out of me.
I have been walking very empty for over a month now. But it’s a good empty, because I know the refilling is with healthier perspective and ways of doing….God is showing me little bits at a time, and I’m good with that. The little bits that are really massive life-shifts I’m faced with learning and defining are things like “What does true rest look like in the face of a busy life raising kids? How does Jesus fight for me and be my husband as a single mom? What is the significance of the longings in my heart, and how do I move towards a life that satisfies those longings and walks in the values I hold? How can I trust and have faith for I need and desire, remain in work yet out of striving mode? Oh, and how do I let my worth be filled only by God? What this all is is very much an end to some messed up ways of being and a start of walking towards and discovering my truest self.
I will return to these topics, and share what I’ve been learning. In the meantime, I’d encourage you to ask yourself what deeper things you’re longing for in the superficial wants of your heart. For example, my desire for a home in the country has the undercurrent desires for a sense of rest, connection to God and nature, and peace. There is nothing wrong with wanting my home in the country, but understanding why I crave it helps me seek how I can work to allow and create those things into my life as it is right now, not living in escape mode.
I’d love to hear what you come up with….