I don’t know what God is up to in me as of late…..not exactly at least. It’s big. I know that much. So much is shifting… I’m preparing for something and I have no idea what that something is. He is moving me somehow and I have no roadmap in front of me. But I’m in a season of throwing off and out things that I no longer need to be burdened with; both internally and material possessions. And the feeling is so wildly peaceful, unsettling and exciting all at the same time.
I’m moving in to a state of Holy anticipation….The heart-healing work He’s doing is deep and profound, bring indescribable freedom and joy. There is a increasingly intense drive deep within my soul to continue the discovery of my brokenness that holds me back from walking more in my fullness. And to purge my home of the things that are not useful, bring me joy or feel like a burden.
The tangible possessions that somehow try to link me to my past are becoming almost repulsive to me. So strange… as I sat with some dishes from one of my relatives, I became nauseous. In discussion with Mom about it, she asked if I was somehow rejecting my past. In a moment of raw tears, I realized it was much deeper than some sort of rejection of things. An awareness dawned in me that I saw such sorrow and unhappiness in both sides of my parent’s families. Tremendous sadness, abuse and survival. Not much joy from what I know. These possessions that have been passed along to me don’t represent and hold fond memories; rather they feel more like things that may have brought bits of joy or beauty in to an otherwise heavy existence. As though the china was a replacement for the joy of life and a freedom of being. I could be so wrong with this perspective, and am grateful for the possible pauses of refreshment the refinery may have brought in to the womens’ hard lives.
But for me, I want freedom. I want to breathe in free the breath of God himself…. Yahweh. Our breath breathes His name and brings Him glory. I want to live in Holy Anticipation of all His next breath in me carries…. and that requires me to look squarely in the eyes of things I hide behind and continue to mine deep for the soul wounds I have limped along with and call them out. To expose it all, take it to God for healing and restoration, and toss overboard whatever stands in my way of freedom. To be radically honest with myself about what my truth is, more importantly what God’s truth is, and to begin walking in the path of honoring those truths more and more. I want my life to sing of His glory and being shackled with so much burden- internally and externally makes that inexplicably harder.
So the process continues. I, as well as my kids, are in a season of whirlwind healing. So hard, yet the wind stirring up the mess is beautifully good. It seems we are all taking on the mantle of healing and awakening to our design. We are learning to embrace life and find joy in seeing God in our midst everywhere. These days His presence is seen in charcoal covered hands from Barrett’s artwork, snowball fights and awe-struck wonder at a snowflake, laughter and friends, the color of the sky, discussions about a horse curling their lip and why dogs sniff each other’s butts. God is in it all, and it is all Holy. There is anticipation for what is coming, and that is Holy too… Set apart and so unbelievably beautiful…I can’t wait for each new breath of freedom.