My guts currently feel all wrenched in a knot. My heart aches for more, and I fall into the space of comparision and longing. I see these badass women doing such awe-inspiring things… climbing a beast of a rock with just a rope attached. Or the women that are cruising the country living in their van, making a living from their adventures and a computer. Kayaking in remote places, creating a beautiful home and taking amazing trips. I want to be those women. I long to be outdoors more than I’m not. To share my story and experiences of adventure, accomplishment and badassery, and think they might somehow inspire others. I suppose there is a part of me (likely larger than I’d like) that would love to be the center of being known for “crushing it” and helping other women do the same.
But yes and no. I’m nowhere near what I dream about; this strong outdoors woman. Strong yes, but not in the way I might’ve planned. I know what they say; comparison is the thief of joy. It totally is. My current kicking ass and crushing it is raising three kids and now a dog by myself. Being Mom and Dad. Moving half-way across the country into the somewhat unknown. Starting a new job. Fighting for my creative self to have a bit more space.So setting the unrealistic aside, my current adventure looks more like sunsets at the beach, poorly planned camping trips, making new friends, creative (read: resourceful) homemaking and budgeting, figuring out a new job,our wonderful new community picking blackberries and surviving stinging nettles.
I’m learning that I love to say yes. And that more often than not, I feel restricted and limited in what I can say yes to. Which is quite untrue. Really.
Time and money often limit my overall choices. Yes, I could buy a kayak and leave my kids for days to chase an adventure. Might be worth it. But really, it doesn’t matter much what time and money have to say about my life. There is always a good yes…. Yes to laughter. Yes to unplanned adventures. Yes to crashing a friend’s at 11 at night. To work that changes paradigms. To road maps, wine on the front porch, putting technology away, looking at the stars, good food and impromptu dinners, yes to the love that’s already here. Yes to turning down the voice of comparision and yes to gratitude for what’s right in front of me. I’d say that kicking life’s ass right there.
So momentarily, you will find me with my feet in the cold water, finding heart-shaped rocks to give away. Tomorrow is quite unknown, and I’ll say yes to discovering that tomorrow. And I’ll say yes to keeping ahold of my dreams and yes to not holding so tightly that I can’t receive the gift of this day.